Saturday, June 8, 2019

Life Under The Knife

petras creation

Hello, is it fun you're looking for?



I suppose I'd better explain myself before things get weird.

Last year I was in hospital for over 3 months. My Dad visited me every day with coffee and cakes (thank you Dad)!!!. We were chatting one day when I said "Do you remember people telling Mam that she should write a book?" ( sadly she took the stairway to heaven 3 years ago).
I said to my Dad "Can you imagine the book we could have written together?" You see the condition that we both suffer from is called Neurofibromatosis type 2 (NF2). We were both in and out of hospital pretty much all of our lives.

I was thinking to myself that I don't have enough for a book, but maybe a blog. The craziest things happen to me and around me. What's one thing I do have? Stories so crazy, they'd make you question reality.
I was pretty much completely blind, so I had nothing to do but think. I tried to remember the 20 years worth of stories and I have a memory like a giant sieve!!. Thankfully most of the really funny stuff happened in the last 5 years or so. Trying to remember stuff was like throwing darts blindfolded!!

When I had somebody with me, I asked them to take down a few notes. Some of the things I asked them to write down had them very confused! "What is a shotgun shit?!"
Word got around the ward that I was doing a kind of book/blog thing. I thought to myself bloody hell stop telling everyone or everyone will be playing it so safe that the funny stuff would stop happening!

When I came home, I started putting my stories together in a glamorous shiny notebook! Completely by chance my stories were parodies of songs. I could hear until I was 13 so I knew a lot of music.  You will notice a lot of puns - I love puns! I'm blind and deaf and am thoroughly enjoying suffering  from a crazed personality so I needed help with all of these stories and that is where my sister from another mister comes in. It's like we have the same brain or something. We like the same things and always thinking the same thing, maybe that's what NF2 is - evolution trying to find a way for humans to develop sixth senses like telepathy. WE both really like the song Under the Sea from the little mermaid. One day she said to me you should name one of your stories from under the sea but I couldn't think of anywhere it would fit. I thought of under the knife then I thought Oh my God I should call the blog Life Under The Knife! I have had 42 surgeries mostly brain and spine.  Its perfect! I'll try to keep it semi-clean.

Young Girl Get Offa My Ward

/div>

Where to start, where to start. This blog won't be in chronological order not with my memory! But I do think the best place to start is the very beginning. Before leaving for the hospital, I threw my arms around my mam and said I bib you (I love you) My mam was diagnosed with NF2 and had her surgeries when I was 18months old. He first brain surgery which left her deaf was 20 hours long. Her second surgery wasn't much shorter She was in hospital for a few months. So there she was really going through it physically lost hearing, plunged into a world of silence and missing her baby.

Hospital were even more strict about children visiting back in 1985. My dad used to smuggle me in under his coat hidden behind a bunch of flowers. As he walked along  I would be saying  fleurs fleurs! Dad tried to keep my mouth shut thinking zip it zip it! people must have thought he had a really strange sounding FART

On the ward they pulled the curtains around my mams bed and other patients tried to keep the staff busy and someone kept lookout for the matron. At one point I toddled out to the middle of the ward and came face to knees with a nurse. I looked up and saw a very cross looking matron with arms folded. As I looked up, I gave her a huge smile. She waved her hand and said "Oh ok I didn't
 see you".

I think they handcuffed me to my mothers bed after that!
Young girl get offa my ward Its not visiting time Oh it's wrong girl, you're much too young girl You're just a baby undisguised.




2 comments:

  1. So glad you have decided to record all this for posterity, Petra! I look forward to reading more.

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